I’m not really sure what it is. I mean, yes, actually I do, but it’s such a weird emotion that I’m honestly not sure what to do with it.
I had finally decided that I wanted another baby. I couldn’t imagine closing that chapter of my life without ever holding a brand new baby in my arms. Or wearing a newby or breastfeeding or seeing a smile for the first time. I just couldn’t imagine that.
But as the months have gone by, and I haven’t gotten pregnant, something inside of me, us, is starting to wonder if we really want another child. Adam asked me about a month ago if I still really wanted a baby, and I couldn’t answer yes. Oh, I could answer yes to another baby, but not to another *child* (because you know there’s a difference).
Lucas hasn’t been sleeping well – he’s ended up sleeping with us every 2-3 nights, then 1 night in his bed, then again for 2-3 nights. He’s waking up in the middle of the night and will NOT go back to sleep in his room. So he ends up with us, because I’m too tired to mess with it. I feel bad for him because the first round of this not sleeping pattern started 2 months ago when he started getting all 4 molars. This round has started because he’s getting all 4 eye teeth.
That? Is wreaking havoc on me. It’s one thing when they’re infants and they’re supposed to be up and you expect to not sleep. It’s another when they’re 17 months and you already know what kind of sleeping they’re capable of.
The point of that is that it’s making me think I’m not able to do this whole have another baby thing. I’m starting to feel older. I know, I’m only 34, but man, I am feeling tired. And not just “sleep” tired. Like I just don’t have enough energy to do this WHOLE thing over. Again. For the fourth time.
Yesterday, I was ready to close this baby-making chapter. Tonight, as I rocked Lucas for a few minutes before bed, I felt like I was mourning never having that exact moment with another child. It was such a strong feeling, that I felt like crying.
And then I started questioning myself.
If I felt that strongly, that I might cry because of this mourning, that maybe I was mourning it so much because I truly am not ready to let this go. To close that chapter.
So here I am, basically back at the same place I was nearly 4 months ago. Sitting in uncertainty. Waiting. Hoping to make the right decision for our family. Not knowing what that answer is. Praying God will make it apparent to me & Adam.